Green's my Favorite Number

Exploring a world I have yet to make sense of and beginning the journey that will someday lead me to Munchkinland.


My hubby and I have been married for four years and wanted children the day we said "I do." We both have a passion for helping children and cannot wait to have a family of our own. Unfortunately, it isn't as easy as the health teacher said it was...

Saturday, October 07, 2006

51 2 33!!!

Just wanted to log in and say 51 to 33!!! YAY!!!!

Have I mentioned I'm a huge college football fan? Well I witnessed the best game ever tonight and I had no one to share it with. It was ok though. After that last post I am sure you all realize I needed some serious down time and alone time with myself. That game was hugely therapeutic!

Hubby and I went out with a friend for lunch this afternoon and I pointed out at 4:30 that I had to be taken back to the house for the football game (Apparently hubby and his buddy missed that seminar before birth in which all boys are instructed to love sports with a passion.... I seemingly snuck into that seminar by mistake! lol). Both boys rolled their eyes and dutifully dropped me off at home while they went over to play PS2 on the big screen tv. Everyone else in the house had vacated early this morning for a marching band competition in another county that would prove to occupy them until nearly midnight. I donned my orange sweats, grabbed the cordless phone, remote, a soda, and a book for halftime, and snuggled into the lazy boy with a blanket to enjoy the show. Other than the brief phone calls to update the fans at the competition and to calmly explain to my hubby that this was a crucial game against an undefeated, higher ranking team, and that disturbing me during that time would set forth a cataclismic force sure to unbalance the forces of heaven and earth, I was undisturbed and cranked up the volume in all of it commentating bliss! It was beautiful! I thought for sure after the first quarter we were doomed for our second loss of the season. My boys rallied back though with all the might they could muster and went on to slaughter the opposition!!!!!

Have I mentioned I love football???

Friday, October 06, 2006

Crawling in a cave now....

Today was a horrible day. Hubby stayed home from work today and I had not had much sleep the night before so I ended up crashing on the couch for the most part. I got up this afternoon and went to start supper when he called me to come outside for a second. I had turned on the front burner instead of the back burner and when I walked back in to check on the stove there were flames shooting from the stove. Not good! I broke down into an emotional trash heap. No damage done really except a hole in the linoleum in front of the stove where the melted tea pitcher had dripped.

Not long after that incident, my lil bro called and said he had been in an accident. Everyone panicked and took off out the door. Come to find out he had hit a very small deer and nothing major had happened other than the demise of his newly repaired front fender. Oh well.

I did go to the library today and I almost cried at their horrible resources for deaf studies and sign language. I think its an important thing to have since that is one of the few resources deaf can have in a small town. I am hoping to get a few books for Christmas that I can donate.

Watched old John Wayne films tonight and about halfway through the migraine set in. It was a full onslaught. Light felt like a hot butcher knife, nausea immobilized me, I thought I was going to have to curl up in a cave somewhere today! I feel much better now. Cold compresses, time, and Tylenol saw me through. I know it was just from stress. Oh and the in laws calling tonight didn't help I'm sure.

Well anyhoo, just wanted to stop in and let ya know how my day had gone. Feel free to stop by my cave and walk on in. Please don't knock! Just assume the fetal position and cry.

Oh yeah and wear your threads!!!!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Rolling the Ball

I'm not sure how many people read my blog to date but for any readers that are out there I wanted to pass on some information and encourage you to take part.... In case you want the link to the original...

Pomegranates, a longstanding symbol of fertility, serve as a strong analogy to those suffering through infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in colour and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. Though our diagnosis is unique—endometriosis, low sperm count, luteal phase defect, or causes unknown—the emotions, those seeds on the inside, are the same from person to person. Infertility creates frustration, anger, depression, guilt, and loneliness. Compounding these emotions is the shame that drives people suffering from infertility to retreat into silence.The pomegranate thread holds a two-fold purpose: to identify and create community between those experiencing infertility as well as create a starting point for a conversation. Women pregnant through A.R.T., families created through adoption, or couples trying to conceive during infertility can wear the thread, identifying themselves to others in this silent community. At the same time, the string serves as a gateway to conversations about infertility when people inquire about its purpose. These conversations are imperative if we are ever to remove the social stigma attached to infertility.Tie on the thread because you’re not alone. Wear to make aware.Join us in starting this conversation about infertility by purchasing this pomegranate-coloured thread (#814 by DMC) at any craft, knitting, or variety store such as Walmart or Target. Tie it on your right wrist. Notice it on others.

I encourage all of you to do this and I want to stretch that just a bit by including the men/partners. You know, we forget sometimes that our husbands/partners go through this grief and pain alongside us. I know my husband has been there through every negative pg test and he was right there holding my hand when we found out we lost our little one so early on. Infertility affects both members in a couple and no one should be left out! Go buy those threads!!!!

Saturday, September 30, 2006

You can never hide...

So hubby and I bought a car and we registered, insured, etc etc today. No biggie. We had talked to the insurance guy a couple of times and when we got there I realized that I had heard that guy's voice before. Sure enough. Walked in the door and here's a guy I've known all my life. We ran in the same groups throughout elementary, middle, and high school together so we had history.

My husband kept giving me funny looks during the course of our paperwork etc. When we walked outside to get pictures of the car and so on I explained. I told him who the guy was and it just sort of popped out that he had sung at a very dear friend's funeral. He had ended up at the same college she had and so they were close. The song he sang that day has haunted me for three years now. I never expected to ever see this guy again, so I just left it as one of those tassles we all have at the end of our lives that are slightly frayed but are still a part of us to be considered.

When he got back outside with the camera to take a photo of the odometer and what not I asked him as gently as I could what that song was. It was a song called "Rita" by Bebo Norman. She had found it a short while before her death and had asked this friend to sing it for her from time to time. I can't get over life's strange miracles sometimes. If you are up for a tear jerker, search for the lyrics to the song and take a look. I don't want to post them here b/c I don't want to make ppl cry and not read my blog.

When our friend died I had just sent my husband of 3 months to the military and unbeknownst to us at the time become pg. I had moved in with my grandmother while my husband was away to help with expenses and to be close to family. This is when she died. It was a horrible accident and I'll leave it at that. When my hubby came home we tested 5 times and came out with positives. The doc was backed up though so it was a while before I could see him. So there we were two months later and there was no baby. Still it hurt. It was one of the hardest times of my life.

I listened to that song tonight. It was quiet in the house and a breeze was blowing through the window like in a romantic, ever so perfect movie. Tonight I grieved. I grieved for my childhood that had been ripped away. I grieved for my friend that someone unrightfully took away. And I grieved for my child that I shall never see. In time the pain has dulled and in time it will dull even more. I will never ever forget though. I cling to them all three every day as their role in my life strengthens me to take on more challenges. Maybe someday I can be strong enough to resist playing hide and seek with the past...

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

La Dee Da

Well, not much to say about today. I got a late start again today. I'm sure that has a lot to do with AF pretending to visit again. I rearranged furniture today, argued with hubby, went a few rounds with Mom... pretty typical day.

I do have to tell ya about the cat though. I have a cat. My boss and I found him in the cardboard compactor at my old job. Four days of coaxing and we finally caught him in a trap that the humane society let us borrow. Two years later he is a spoiled rotten kitty. He loves to taunt the dogs. We have two tiny pooches one of whom is a total crybaby.

Anyhoo, Kitty went a bit nuts tonight. He is usally the laziest feline that has ever set foot on Earth but tonight, be it a new cat food we started giving him or the weather change or whatever, he went nuts. His first victim was a plastic grocery bag that had gotten left in the kitchen floor with a can inside to weight it down. Apparently the handles of said bag had wronged him in some unforgivable fashion and justice had to be served. Poor bag never saw it coming.

A little while later I went in to the living room to watch tv and the pooch brings me his squeaky toy to throw (He's like a nympho except with fetch) and I threw it into the kitchen where the cat happened to be perched victoriously bathing after the bag incident. The cat sandwiched the toy between himself and the stove. Now understand that this pooch has a wonderful fetish for the cat's whiskers and for whatever reason chews them off at any opportunity. Pooch walks to the doorway and Kitty lunges for him. Pooch runs to mommy. This went on for a bit and Kitty walked around the corner out of sight. Of course Pooch takes the chance to get his squeaky and sneaks ever so cautiously to the door. WHAM! Kitty comes out of NOwhere! He pounces his prey and as poor Pooch runs over to me, Kitty once again bathes himself victoriously. It was a sight to see! Had to be there! Funniest thing ever!

Told ya it was a boring day....

Tell me bout your interesting pet follies. Tomorrow looks a little dull too....

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Day Ja Voooo

Okay. Today was so weird. I didn't get a start on the day until around 11am which is very odd for me. Once I finally deemed myself conscious enough to leave the cozy confines of my tiny room, I managed to get as far as the sofa, changing the channel before settling in, and watching Mythbusters until 4pm (gimme a break we lost the remote).

At 4 I realized that if I was going to accomplish anything it would probably be a good time to start. I talked to a high school friend last night and we had made plans to meet up at their new property where they are laying the foundation on a tall hill we used to go to as thoughtful introspective teenagers pondering the meaning of it all whilst the clouds lazily rolled by. It had rained the night before and the build site was a muddy mess but she called and asked us to stop by their house anyway and perhaps we would stay for band rehearsal too.

Now before I get too far I guess I should explain the significance of this meeting. This friend- we'll call her Sherry just for convenience- had been the only friend that had managed to stick through it all with me. When I was 16 I was assaulted in my room by a complete stranger right after a football game. Needless to say in a small town "Things like that just don't happen" and suddenly I found all of my preschool buddies turning the other way when I walked into a room. Not Sherry. She kept me going. We were inseparable until I moved out two weeks after graduation and she stayed home sheltered from civilization unless you counted the truckstop 15 minutes from her house.

Life weaved its crazy web and she went to school while I married and tried to start a family. We talked from time to time but for some reason things were strained. About a year into my marriage we moved close to my in laws and one day out of the blue I got a call from her. We talked small talk for a bit and then all of a sudden she blurted out how she was sorry and that she had a hard time talking to me because while I had been dealing with scarring from surgeries and the assault and then again when I had married and it was obvious that children would be difficult to acquire she had found herself in a situation not once but twice and had terminated both times. This was like a blow right into my gut. It hurt to know that here I was with my heart's deepest desire being slowly pulled further and further away from me while she was taking for granted what I deemed the most beautiful jewel ever made. I hung up and I think I spoke to her twice after that. Two years later, wounds have been bandaged. They haven't healed but I have bandaged them. I understand that she made a decision and she did what she felt was right for her at that time. I don't have to agree with it but I do need to move on.

Anyhoo, I found myself shaking my head in disbelief as my hubby pulled into her driveway and said "Well are you gonna get out or just stare at her back door?" When I got there, band rehearsal was about to start. I had no clue what to expect. I cannot believe what happened. The first guy that walked in immediately popped his head around the living room door and said "Well hey there!" I knew him immediately. He was infact one of the first to see me when I was born! He had been a family friend for many years. The second guy to come in talked to me for a full five minutes before it dawned on him who I was. I had to fight to hold in my laughter the whole time. We had grown up together in church and in school. He was a couple of years ahead of me but we had done a lot of the same things growing up and I had not seen him since I was in high school. It was funny to see how he acted as an adult and how I fit in to the picture as an adult myself now. When the band started up it was great and I had a chance to sit back and enjoy the past and present all crammed into a tiny living room filled with the rhythm of life. It was like a timeline set before me, from the very beginning, all the way up to the present; and how rare an opportunity to see them all mesh into one for a couple of hours right before my very eyes. My husband, my friend, my childhood, and my meager beginning when hope was bright and life was just starting for my parents. It was a beautiful song that I hope will weave itself back around and somehow create a new chorus with all parts harmonizing together. Time can do amazing things sometimes!

Saturday, September 23, 2006

First and Foremost

First I guess I need to say hello. My name is Ellie and I created this blog after hours of pouring over other people's blogs; nudging myself momentarily into their worlds. I felt like I lived vicariously through their feelings but I always came up empty handed in the end. I hope that I can use this as a way to connect and cope with "Green": the number I call my life.

Now I guess I need a bit of an intro for those of you (mainly everyone) who don't know anything about me. I am 25, married, working towards a degree, and desperately seeking that one dream that seems to be on the farthest shelf of the tiniest corner of my life. A munchkin of our very own. We have worked at this for about four years (oddly enough, the number of years we have been married...). Marriage has been a difficult and sometimes uphill battle, but we seem to manage quite well and despite a few craters in the road we're getting ourselves on track.

Now, I am sure at least one of you will ask... What does the doctor say? or Have you been to an RE? or for the more unfamiliar fertile group out there.... What's wrong with you?

To be totally honest. We have just now reached a point in our lives where we feel it acceptable to look for other options. Up until this point I was blindly stumbling along thinking that eventually those threats that my mother screeched into my tiny teenage brain would come to life if only I did it with the fervant urgency of a hormonally driven high schooler. Wrong!!!!!!! Apparently it isn't as easy as the health teacher wants you to think it is.

There are calendars and hormones and fluids and blood rushing to your head acrobatics to achieve the desired munchkin. We have researched all of these things and rehearsed them over and over to no avail. I'm ready for the white flag. When we started looking at options I became hopelessly overwhelmed and have managed to slowly sift through the mountains of contradictions to find what will work best for us. I don't want to be a lab rat in some stupid maze begging for the cheese so I'm not sure how far we are willing to go but you are more than welcome to read on and see the end result.

Whew! Now that we have all that out of the way, I do occupy my time with the more mundane things of life. I love to curl up with a good book, and I enjoy spending time with my hubby. When he isn't taking up my time with laundry and life's little catastrophes (not as often as I would like) I spend time spoiling our two furbabies or playing games on the internet. I am seeking a degree as a sign language interpreter and I spend a lot of time flailing my hands around in a very sincere effort to make sense to myself and hopefully to others someday. I love working with children and I work part time at an elementary school to earn my keep.

For now I suppose this will suffice as a first timer's attempt at blogging. I am starving and the pg test says I want chocolate and lots of it!